


Madness in My Soul

by Zandra_Court



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-04
Updated: 2021-01-04
Packaged: 2021-03-13 23:55:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28536975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zandra_Court/pseuds/Zandra_Court
Summary: Danny’s back in New Jersey for his father’s Retirement/Birthday celebration, as his parent’s marriage starts to crumble. As he struggles to hold his family together, Steve worries his partner is losing too much of himself in the process.Basically, backstory/missing scenes around Episodes 4.15-17 and Clara Williams’ difficult first trip to Hawai’i.
Relationships: Clara Williams & Danny "Danno" Williams, Steve McGarrett/Danny "Danno" Williams
Comments: 12
Kudos: 85





	Madness in My Soul

**Author's Note:**

> I was inspired to write this off of some meta threads on tumblr (thank-you active H50 fandom!!) and realized that these episodes lead strongly into ep 4.19 where Steve finally understands the serious impact Danny’s pessimism and anxiety has on his life.

**November 2013: Newark, New Jersey**

“Danny! I need you run to the store!” Clara Williams called up the stairs, phone tucked against her shoulder. The kids all teased her about still having a landline, but Eddie wanted to ensure they could call out if there was an emergency and neither of them fully trusted cell phones.

“Ma, Grace isn’t dressed yet.” Danny stood at the top of the stairwell, looking over the landing at her.

“The caterers are on the phone.” She looked up at him. “There was a mix up with the ice delivery and they can’t set out the food without ice!”

“OK, alright. But you’re gonna need to bring Grace because I can’t get there and back in time to get to the station.”

Eddie’s Retirement and 65th Birthday party had brought in family from five states, not to mention every fire fighter Eddie had worked with over his 35 year career. While the department was handling the formal ceremony, Clara had planned the reception and birthday brunch that would happen tomorrow. The Williams’ clan hadn’t been this stressed since Bridget’s wedding and Danny was extra annoyed today at Matt because he was still on the run, which was adding a layer of suffering to everyone, though nobody talked about it.

“OK Tony, my son is gonna get you ice.” She spoke into the phone while Danny gathered his wallet, phone, and the keys to his rental car. “Yeah, no problem. Thanks.”

She set the phone back in its cradle. Danny flashed back in his mind to a time when he and his sisters fought over that very phone, arguing about whose calls were more important or who had been talking to their boyfriend long enough. Danny’d left for college before Matty was in high school, so he wasn’t usually part of those fights.

“Thank you sweetie,” Clara said and hugged him. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“It’s what I’m here for Ma. Try to relax. It’s gonna be a great party; everyone will love it. I’ll see you at the station house alright?”

Thirty minutes later, as he waited for the catering crew to unload the 20 bags of ice, he texted Grace.

**You OK Monkey?**

**Yeah.** **Gramma and Grampa are arguing over which tie he should wear.**

**Who’s winning?**

**I think Grandma. She wants him to wear the red one with the firefighter shields on it. He wants to wear the one shaped like a big salmon. He says it’s funny.**

**Which do you like?**

**The red one looks nicer.**

**Tell them. They’ll go with what you like.**

**But is the fish one funny? I don’t know Grampa’s friends. Maybe that one is better.**

**Nah, I trust your instincts there. This is an important occasion. If they ask, you can say I vote red too.**

**OK**

**Love you Monkey.**

**Love you too Danno.**

5050505050

The next morning was even more of a scramble in the Williams’ home as they had been at the reception until almost midnight and the brunch was set for 11:30. Danny was thankful that it was only going to be Pop’s four best friends from the station, their wives, and his family, but it still would be almost 20 people when you factored in all the kids. He’d set his alarm for 0700 because he knew his mom would already be up cooking. His sisters both lived nearby, so they would come help but not until closer to 10. After his shower, he found his mom sitting at the kitchen table looking very tired.

“You get much sleep, Ma?” He asked as he poured himself a cup of coffee.

“Yeah, a bit. The cinnamon rolls are rising and I just needed to sit for a bit before making the egg dishes.” He kissed her on the top of her head and sat beside her.

“The party was amazing. You should be proud.”

She clasped his hand. “Your dad deserved it. 35 years is...he worked so hard, y’know. And he kept his word to me, to us, and came home from every shift. Not everyone can say that.” He nodded because he knew intimately how true that was. Mortality among officers was much higher than firefighters, but especially after 9/11, no one who worked emergency services took coming home from work for granted, especially their families.

He gave her hand a gentle squeeze and asked, “I’m here to help, so put me to work.”

“Oh, honey, you should rest. Go play with that beautiful granddaughter of mine.”

“Ma, she’s not even up yet. C’mon. Bridge and Stell won’t be here for a while, so let me help you. Please.”

“Alright. Will you chop the onions and peppers?”

“I’m on it. Should we put on some music?”

She smiled. When the kids were teenagers, they’d have the radio on in the kitchen all day long.

“Yeah. How about some of the Boss?” He grinned, pulled out his phone and opened up his music app.

“Now youse talkin’!” His accent intentionally thick as he pulled up a Bruce Springsteen channel and plugged his phone into the small Bluetooth speaker he’d bought her for the kitchen last Christmas. They both sang along as Born to Run blasted.

5050505050

“Where the hell you goin’ Eddie? Folks will be here in less than an hour!” Clara stood in the hall watching her husband grab his coat.

“I just have a quick errand to take with Joey. We’ll be back in time, I promise.” He flashed her a grin that used to make her knees weak when she was 22, but right now was just pissing her off.

“It’s a surprise, Clar’. Don’t worry. We’ll be right back, I swear.” He kissed her quick and was out the door to where Joey was waiting in his truck.

“ARRGH! That man!” She shouted as she turned back toward the kitchen.

“Why is Gramma mad at Grampa?” Grace asked her dad as she set the kids table where she and her cousins would be eating and her Dad and Aunt Stella were folding napkins at the grown-up table.

“When is she not?” Stella said not-so-under her breath.

“Stop.” Danny growled at her. She rolled her eyes at him and mouthed “What?” at him silently.

Turning back to Grace he said, “Gramma is just tired, Monkey. She’s workin’ real hard to get things ready so we need to help her as much as we can OK?”

“OK.” Grace nodded and she kept working.

“Livin’ in paradise is making you soft, Little Brother. You keep coddlin’ her like that, folks ‘ill run her over.”

“Oh? And where is Eric this mornin’? Oh, right, he’s...” he glanced over his shoulder at Grace and then whispered, “still too drunk to even make it to breakfast. Yeah, you did a primo job with him.”

Glancing Grace’s way, she whispers back, “If I’m so bad at bein’ his mom, Muthafucka, why’d you hire him to work in your little laboratory then?” Her accent drew out the word as “la-bore-a-tory”.

Danny shook his head at her, whispering back, “Cause if I didn’t, he’d be back here gettin’ stoned every night and couch-surfing like his old man.” Her face went to stone and he instantly felt guilty. None of them talked about Mickey. Ever.

“You asshole.” She didn’t whisper that. Her eyes welled with tears as she threw the rest of the napkins at him and stormed off.

“Shit.” He said quietly to himself. He fucking loved his family. He also hated them sometimes. He felt a small hand wrap around his and he looked down to see Grace standing next to him.

“I’ll help fold the napkins.” She was already picking up ones from the floor that he hadn’t been able to catch.

“I’m sorry about your Aunt Stella.”

“It’s OK. That’s just Jersey.”

“What does that mean?” He asked her, surprised.

“That’s what mom calls it anytime you fight with them.”

“I see.”

What else could he say to that? Rachel had hated how his family was and she’d never fit in with his sisters. Stella had gotten knocked up at 19 and then shotgun hitched to Mickey Russo a month later. By the time Rachel was in the picture, she had a nice job for a marketing firm while Stell was a single mom working nights as a waitress. They had never had anything in common. She had more in common with his younger sister, but when they’d lived in Jersey, Bridget was fresh out of college with no kids, so their lives were very different. While he missed Jersey in so many ways, the one benefit he would never admit is that Grace was able to grow up with far less chaos than he had.

Stell wasn’t wrong in saying that Grace was “soft” but he wanted her that way; more like her mom than like him. Or God forbid, like either of her aunts. Bridge was doin’ OK, married with two beautiful kids. Stell’s life had just been hard though. None of them knew that Danny wrote to Mickey’s parole board every two years so they would never forget exactly who he was and why he needed to stay right were he belonged: Northern State Prison. He and his other sibs had all managed to get through college, but Stell had Eric so young, that she’d never imagined more for herself. He’d apologize to her later.

5050505050

Bruno, James, and Chris had all arrived, along with their wives, but Pop and Joey still weren’t back yet. Danny was trying to keep everyone calm, taking coats and welcoming them while Ma was in the kitchen frantically trying to reach Pop on his cell. He was impressed with how Grace was politely talking to the ladies, being the best little hostess, when they heard the roar of a V8 engine and a honking horn outside.

Stella opened the door and yelled, “Fuck yeah, Pops! Sweet ride!” They all poured outside as Eddie stepped out of a brand new Torch Red-colored Chevy Corvette. Pop’s friends all gathered around him, clapping him on the back, opening doors to look inside, and popping the hood.

“Ma! Pop’s back!” Danny called to her and she stopped cold at the door.

“What is that?” She asked.

Danny smiled at her, “Guessin’ that’s Pop’s surprise. That his birthday present or somethin’?”

“I don’t know...”

He saw her eyes darting around, taking in the scene. He watched as she seemed shrink into herself and turn around, “I better check that the rolls aren’t burning.” She walked into the house again, not looking at anyone. He followed.

“You OK, Ma?”

She smiled at him quickly. “Sure, sweetie. It’s your dad’s special day.” She busied herself but he knew she was lying. Something was not right, but then the wives started to fill the kitchen chatting with her and pouring mimosas, and Danny knew this wasn’t the time.

5050505050

Later that afternoon, he’d agreed to let Pop take Grace for drive in the new car, but only after giving him a firm lecture about precious cargo and obeying all speed limits, reminding his dad that he no longer held any sway with Newark’s finest if he got a ticket. He found his mom lying on the Davenport in the family room, a washcloth over eyes.

“You want me to make you some tea, Ma?” He asked.

“No, sweetheart.” Her voice was thick and horse. “I just need...” but her voice choked on a sob and he realized the washcloth was to cover that she was crying.

He was next to her in an instant. “Ma, what’s wrong? C’mon.” He pulled her up so he could sit beside her, and wrapped an arm around her. She leaned against him, crying heavy, wet tears against his shoulder, unable to talk, so he held her and waited.

“He bought the car with our travel money.” She said finally, once she had cried herself out.

“Your travel money?” He asked, smoothing the hair from her temple.

“Since you were three, we’ve put away $100 per paycheck. We knew we couldn’t afford to travel while you four were kids, but we always promised each other than once he retired, that would be when we’d go to Paris and Rome, Australia, Fiji... Anytime some place or site caught our eyes over the years, we’d say, ‘That’s going on the travel list.’ We’ve never been west of the Blue Ridge Mountains. Never even come to see you and Grace in Hawai’i. We had a list...and he bought a car.” Tears welled up again and she sobbed.

“Are you sure? Maybe he just put a down payment and will use his retirement for the monthlies? I know his retirement is less than his salary was, but you guys own the house now, so the payment probably is very doable.”

She shook her head. “I just checked the account on-line. There’s only a couple thousand left.”

“OK. Well, that’s plenty to bring you two out to Hawai’i. I have a house now with an extra bedroom, so you don’t even gotta stay in a some pricy hotel. And if you wait until after New Year’s tickets are really cheap. It’ll be fun. Come spend a week with me, huh?”

“Yeah, OK, sweetheart. Thank-you. Gives me something to look forward to.” She patted his chest. “Oh, your shirt! I got mascara all over it. Give it to me.”

“Ma, I can wash my own shirt.”

“Psssha. Hand it over. It’s my mess, I’ll take care of it.” He recognized her determination so he unbuttoned it and pulled it out of his waist, handing it over to her. Because of the heat, he hadn’t put a t-shirt on under his button-down, so giving it to her left him bare chested.

She patted his shoulder, giving the thick deltoid muscle a light squeeze. “You’re the rock of this family, you know that Daniel? We’d be lost without you.” She looked like she was gonna cry again as she turned quickly and headed for the laundry room.

He sat, elbows on his knees and rested his chin on his folded hands, thinking. Of his parents, Ma was usually the more impulsive, but he could see Pop up and deciding to buy a fancy sport car without telling her. And what was so wrong with that? Not like they have little kids. Hell, as soon as Grace didn’t have to be in a car seat anymore, first thing he did was buy his Camaro. He could see his parents driving down the Shore, top down, just like teenagers. She’d come around. And they really didn’t have much in the way of expenses anymore, so they could find a way to still travel if they wanted. The number of miles he’d accumulated between Jersey and Hawai’i in four years proved it didn’t take long to get a free ticket here or there. His phone vibrated in his back pocket and he pulled it out, seeing a Face Time call from Steve.

When he swiped, his partner’s eyes widened instantly. “Damn, babe. Must be real hot in Newark. I can’t get you to go shirtless anywhere but the beach out here.”

Danny just shook his head. “Shuddup. I got something on my shirt and Ma is removing the stain, that’s all.”

“No complaining here, man.” Steve held up a hand. “You look good.” Danny felt his face grow hot at the compliment and he started to walk with his phone up to his room so he could find a new shirt.

“What’s up?”

“Just checking in. How was the party?”

“It was good. They gave Pop a special commendation for years of service and a plaque with his different rank shields on it. I forget that firefighters have ranks sometimes. And he, uh, he got a new car too.”

“The department bought him a car?” Steve asked surprised.

“No, the car’s a gift to himself, I guess.” He was back in his room now. “I’m gonna set you down for a sec while I pull on a clean shirt.”

“Spoilsport.” Steve quipped with an edge of flirtation that Danny decided to ignore. He pulled on a t-shirt and decided to change into jeans while he was at it, which was fine because all Steve could see right now was the ceiling of his bedroom.

“Was that an actual poster of Christina Applegate I saw on your wall?”

“I told Ma she could redecorate my room years ago, turn it into a guest room or somethin’ but she’s kept it exactly as it looked the day I left for Seton.” He picked up the phone and sat on his bed, balancing his phone on bent knees as they talked.

“So, yeah, I got Christina Applegate and both Young Guns movie posters on my wall.”

“I’m telling you man, I can’t wait to meet your family someday.” Steve chuckled. “Everything go OK back there?” Steve knew everyone still struggled with Matt’s absence.

“Eh, I got into it wi’ Stella this morning. Nothin’ u’usual, but Grace witnessed it. I don’t like her seein’ us at our worst, y’know.”

“Your accent gets stronger when you’re back there, you know that?”

“Pro’bly. It’ll get more normal once we’re back.”

“What’d you and Stella fight about?”

“Nothin’. That’s how it is with her. She busted my balls about how I’m raisin’ Grace and I shot back ‘bout Eric. But then I brough’ up Mickey an’ that was a low blow even for me.”

“Do they know? About...”

“No. They don’t need to. Long as he’s inside, eve’one sleeps easy.”

“Danny, he tried to sell your sister and nephew to a drug lord...”

“And they know nothin’ about that Steven, which is how it’s gonna fuckin’ stay.”

“I’m just saying she might not be so bitchy to you if they knew, that’s all.”

“She was bitchy to me when she was 15. That’s just Stell.”

“And your dad might not give you grief over choosing law enforcement instead of the firehouse.”

“I didn’t become a cop ‘cause of Mickey.”

“OK.” Steve wasn’t sure that was true, but decided to let it drop. “You fly out tomorrow?”

“Yeah. You still good to pick us up?”

“No place I’d rather be, pal. It’ll be good to have you back.”

“I miss you too, babe.”

“I didn’t say I missed you. I miss Grace.”

“Yeah, well, we’re a package deal my friend.” Danny teased back.

“That you are. Fly safe.”

“Fingers crossed.” Danny killed the call. He’d forgotten to tell Steve about inviting his parents to visit after the New Year, but it didn’t matter. He was glad to be heading back. There was only so much he could take with his family nowadays. Being around them didn’t use to be so draining. He wondered if they had changed or if he had.

5050505050

**Christmas Eve, 2013, Honolulu, Hawai’i**

“You can’t argue with me Ma, the flights are booked. No. Stop. It’s my Christmas gift to you and Pop.” Danny was talking on the phone while Steve and Grace decorated cookies at the kitchen table.

“They were not too expensive. Enough. Just let me do this. Please. Yes. End of February for a week. Of course it will be nice. Hawai’i is practically at the equator, Ma, it’s always sunny and warm here. Yeah. He’s looking forward to meeting you too. You’re welcome. I love you too. I will. Merry Christmas.” He hung up and dropped his cell on the counter with an exasperation that always overcomes him during calls home.

“You OK?” Steve asked.

“Yeah. What are you making?”

Grace smiled at him. “We’re making Gingerbread Five-0.” She pointed to two cookies on the plate. “That’s Auntie Kono and Uncle Chin. And this is Uncle Steve...” she held up the cookie person she was working on.

“And this one is you.” Steve offered the one he was working on.

“You ate half my legs already.”

Grace blushed slightly. “We needed to make that one shorter than the others.”

He smiled at her, not wanting her to feel uncomfortable. He was perfectly at ease about his height. “As long as I’m the most handsome, it doesn’t matter how tall I am.” He kissed her on the top of her head.

“Here, let me help.” He picked up the icing and gave the Steve cookie a huge frown. “There. That’s perfect. Though we should maybe give him some devil horns too, yeah?”

Grace tugged the icing tube from him, laughing. “You’re mean.”

Steve leaned over and whispered, “He’s just jealous because you made me the best looking Gingerbread man. Look, you even have my tattoos showing from my shirtsleeves. That’s artistry.”

Danny picked up one of the undecorated cookies and bit into it. “Danno! These are Santa’s cookies!” She said, scandalized.

“They are. But since I’m the one who has to stay up and make sure Santa gets in safe, this is my Santa’s helper fee.”

Steve reached over and took a cookie, biting the head off. “Uncle Steve!”

“Hey, where your dad goes, I go, Gracie.”

“No more eating cookies! Or else I get the extra cinnamon roll tomorrow morning.”

“I will totally trade you the cinnamon roll for another cookie.” Steve offered.

“Hey! No bartering before breakfast. That’s the rule.” Danny interjected.

“Rule, what rule. Since when?”

“Uh, since always. There are 10 rolls in the can and three of us. Only one of us gets the fourth roll and we Rock/Paper/Scissors for it. That’s always how we do it. You can’t mess with tradition, Steven.”

“He’s right, Uncle Steve.” Grace nodded knowingly.

“Fine.” Steve surrendered with a smile. “But I’m taking another cookie.” He grabbed one and ran off, Danny and Grace both giving chase.

5050505050

**Late February, 2014, Honolulu, Hawai’i**

“What time do your folks fly in tomorrow?” Steve asked, leaning against the door of Danny’s office.

“Uh, they’re leaving this evening and have a stop in LA, so they won’t get here until about 1300 hours. I was planning on working in the morning and then heading to get them, so you should drive yourself tomorrow.”

“Nah, I’m anxious to meet them. I’ll be at your place by 0800.”

“Are you crazy? I cannot pick up my parents and their luggage with you in my car.”

“Why not? Your car seats four. We can’t take the truck, it only seats three.”

“Or you can come over for dinner like we planned and meet them then.”

“It’ll be fine.” Steve nodded with finality and left Danny shaking his head at his desk.

5050505050

**Just Before Midnight, the Next Day**

His room was dark but he couldn’t sleep, so he laid on his back, Bon Jovi playing in his headphones as he watched shadows dance across the ceiling. The music stopped suddenly as his phone rang. He tapped his right headphone to answer it.

“What do you want?” He hadn’t looked to see who was calling, but no one else called him this late.

“I’m sorry I bailed on dinner.”

“Why do I have a hard time believing you after the way you hauled ass out of here this afternoon?”

“We had a case...”

“Whatever.” Danny was not feeling very generous toward his best friend right now.

“Talk to me, babe.” Steve said quietly.

“I tried calling my Pop a dozen times. He won’t answer. Ma says the marriage is over and isn’t giving me anything else. Something must have happened but she won’t say what and I’m going crazy. I can’t even think about my Pop having an affair, but it has to be something big like that because this is all out of nowhere.”

“Maybe she had the affair.”

“That crossed my mind, but I think if that had happened, my Pop would answer. The fact that he’s avoiding me makes me think he’s more at fault here. But I’ve never seen anything that makes me think he’d do that. In fact, when I told him about my divorce, he told me all bets were off if I’d cheated on Rachel. Like that was the one fuck up that he wouldn’t support me over. I hadn’t, but the way he acted...”

“OK, so they aren’t ready to talk about it yet. It’s only been a day. What’d you end up doing for dinner?”

“I made a sauce and pasta.”

“I love your sauce.”

“Then maybe don’t be such a coward next time.”

Steve grimaced. That stung. “Danny, I only just met your mom. It seemed like it was a family thing.”

“Thought we were ohana.” Danny felt like Steve had run out on him.

“We are. But she doesn’t know me and I thought maybe she’d be more comfortable talking if I wasn’t around.”

“Well, apparently not.”

They sat in silence for a bit before Danny added, “I don’t know how to do this.”

“Do what?”

“Save a marriage.” Danny sucked in a deep breath and Steve heard the pain in his words.

“Danny...”

“I couldn’t save my own, no matter how badly I wanted to. So how am I gonna save theirs?”

“Why is that your job?”

A single tear rolled down Danny’s cheek. _Because if I don’t, my whole family falls apart._ “Steve, I’m pretty tired, so I’m gonna...”

“OK, pal. How about you meet me at my place in the morning?”

“Yeah, OK.”

“Goodnight.” Danny hung up and rolled on his side. He grabbed the pillow that normally sits useless on the side of the bed no one sleeps in anymore, wrapped his arms around it and cried silently until he fell asleep.

5050505050

It was 2230 the next day when he knocked on Steve’s door. He’d waited until he was sure Grace was asleep. Ma would be there if anything happened, so he gave himself permission to meet his own need.

He was about to knock for a third time when the door opened. Steve was wearing only running shorts and from his look, Danny had woken him up.

“I’m sorry, man, I didn’t think you’d be asleep yet.”

“Forget it, come in.” Steve opened the door wide. Danny headed straight for the kitchen and Steve followed.

Once there, Danny grabbed the kettle and started filling it. Wordlessly, Steve pulled out two mugs and pulled down a small basket that had an assortment of herbal teas in individual packets. He pulled a peppermint one for himself and a lemon one for Danny before returning the basket to the cupboard. Danny lit the stove to get the water going and Steve pulled a block of cheese out of the fridge and cut several thin slices and put them on a plate then grabbed a sleeve of saltines and set both on the table. Danny shifted his weight from one foot the the other watching the blue flame lick the bottom of the kettle.

“C’mon, babe. Sit.” Steve guided him to the table and pushed him gently into a chair. Danny stayed quiet as he ate some of the cheese and crackers while Steve poured hot water over their tea bags and placed a cup in front of Danny as he sat down.

“I was a dick to you today, bringing up your mom like that. Ho’oponopono.” Danny said finally, using the Hawaiian way of apologizing. It meant _Please forgive me. I love you._

“Mahalo.” Steve answered. “I wasn’t exactly helping either. This is hitting you hard and I’m honestly not trying to minimize that. I guess, I get through things by focusing on how any situation can be better instead of worse. I forget that doesn’t always help with you.”

Danny nodded and swirled his teabag by the string. “It was the car. The thing that set this off. It was my Pop buying the car.”

“That was months ago.”

“Yeah. And I was even there. She cried as she told me about how she thought they’d spend the money for them to travel. I knew she was really sad about it, but I didn’t see that it symbolized this great thing to her.”

“He spent the money on himself and not on something they both could share.”

Danny held up his hands in exasperation. “You get it! Why the hell didn’t I? And the thing is, it still feels minor to me. How’s that for being a shitty son? So Pop bought a fancy car? Who cares? That’s worth throwing away 38 years? I hated every second of my divorce because...’cause it wasn’t anything we did or said...it was happening because of who I am. Because I can’t be anything but a cop and that’s the one thing she couldn’t stand any longer. If I’d bought a car and she was mad, I’d sell the car, boom: marriage saved. Easy. Done. My marriage fell apart because of who I am, at my core. The one thing I could do nothing about. And that’s how it should be. Something so catastrophic that there is no way to save it. But a car? Vacations?”

Steve slid his chair right next to Danny and rubbed his back. “I know that I’ve never been through what you have, not exactly. But I do know what it’s like to have a parent walk away from you and leave your world scattered. I knew it at 16 and I felt it all again a year ago. And 16 or 36, doesn’t matter. It feels the same.”

“And I did it to Grace.”

Steve rocked back slightly, finally comprehending why his partner was really here. “Don’t do this to yourself, Danno. Jesus, man, you can’t carry the burdens of everyone else’s pain. Do you get that? You’ll drown, babe. You’ll drown.”

“I know.” Danny rested his head against Steve’s shoulder. “Why do you think I’m here? You’re the only one who can help me swim.”

5050505050

**Second Week of March, 2014**

Danny’s phone buzzed as the movie was ending and he looked at the text from Steve.

**She back from her date yet?**

**Yeah. She fell asleep watching a movie with me.**

**I’ll be there in 5.**

**Why?**

He waited for the text to be listed as read and then watched for the three dots that would mean a reply was coming. Nothing. He flicked the movie off. “Ma? Time for bed. C’mon.” She blinked sleepily.

“Yeah, OK.” She said and leaned on him heavily as he walked her to the guest room and helped her under the covers. She was asleep again before he closed the door. He’d walked back into the front room when he heard the key turn in the lock and Steve came in, silently closing and locking the door behind him.

“She still asleep?”

“Yeah.” Danny nodded watching. Steve was edgy, almost bouncy.

“Can we...I don’t want her to overhear.” Steve motioned to the back of the house where Danny’s bedroom was. With a nod from his partner, he walked off, knowing Danny would follow.

As soon as they were in Danny’s room, Steve closed the door and pushed Danny hard against the back of it, one hand flat on his sternum, pinning him to the door, and the other blocking him in beside his ear.

“You don’t get to decide we aren’t friends,” his voice low and angry. “If I say something you don’t like or disagree with, fine, say so. But you don’t have the right to declare us over. Not after all we’ve been through. You understand me?”

They stared at one another, jaws tense, neither wanting to blink first. Finally, Danny said, “Comin’ in a little hot, don’t ya think?” He made no move to push against Steve, but he held his gaze as he felt Steve’s fingers clench at his chest, fisting his shirt slightly but not letting up.

“If I’m busting your balls it’s because you need me to.”

“I know.”

Steve stepped back, but only a little. “I don’t think you do. If you did, you wouldn’t keep lashing out at me, man. I can take a lot from you, but that...that was too far.”

“I know.” Danny’s tone softer now.

Steve turned his back, hands clenching into fists as he walked to the other side of the room before turning back. “Then why do you keep doing it?”

“Because I need you to feel what I’m feeling.” It was Danny’s turn to pace after Steve, taking deliberate, powerful steps forward. “Because when I tell you with words how I’m feeling and you come back at me with your eternal fucking optimism, the only thing left is to make you hurt as bad as I hurt. And I know I’m being an asshole but nothing else works.”

“It’s been two weeks, Danny! It’s past time for you to get out of this dark, downward spiral you put yourself in. You can’t protect her. You can’t make her choices for her. You can’t dictate what she does. And no one else is gonna kick you in the ass and make you face that fact besides me. What’s more, you ask me to do it.”

“So what’s gonna help here? You wanna hit me?”

“No, I don’t want to hit you. Jesus! I don’t...I don’t even know what I want. I’m just pissed.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I don’t want your sorry. I want to know you won’t do it again. I want to you to acknowledge what we are to each other and not throw it in my face ever, ever, again.”

Danny rocked back on his heels and tilted his head. “Acknowledge what we are? Do you even know what we are?”

“We’re ohana.” Steve said firmly.

“Yeah, you keep saying that but what does that mean?”

“It means we’re family. You are my family.”

Danny moved forward until their chests barely touched. “You have Mary and Catherine. Joe. Chin. Your Aunt Deb. Hell, even Doris. You got a lot of family, Steve. Who am I?”

Steve’s whole bearing shook. “You’re my...fuck!” Steve turned away from him, silence hanging heavy in the air.

“How can you expect me to acknowledge something you can’t?” Danny said quietly, tension still thick between them.

“I can’t.” Steve agreed, his back still to him.

“Look, I didn’t mean what I said today. Obviously, we’re still friends. OK? Let’s just chalk it up as another dumb-ass thing I say without thinking and want to take back. Alright?”

Steve took that in, turned and leaned against the dresser, arms folded in front of him. It wasn’t what he wanted to hear but Danny was right. Until he could articulate what he did want, he had no right to expect more from his partner.

“My dad called me tonight.” Danny said as he went over to his closet and stepped out of his shoes before walking over to the dresser and opened a drawer, pulling out an old t-shirt and sweatpants, which he dropped on top, ignoring Steve’s closeness.

“What did he have to say?” Steve asked, transfixed on Danny who continued to just go about whatever he was doing as if Steve wasn’t even there.

“He’s as clueless as I was. Basically, she dropped this bomb of ‘you clearly don’t love me anymore; I’m leaving’ on him and he had no idea what he’d done, so he thought she’d fallen out of love with him and froze.”

Danny hung up his dress shirt and tossed his undershirt in the hamper, along with his socks as he spoke. He undid his belt as he continued. “Once I offered the perspective of what I’d been able to get out of Ma, particularly about him buying the car without talking to her about it, he understood better what it looked like from her side.”

Steve was trying to concentrate on Danny’s words, but was distracted by the casual comfort with which his partner was undressing in front of him and now stood next to him in his boxer-briefs and for a moment, Steve wasn’t sure what was about to happen and he felt his gut clench and his cock starting to thicken as Danny reached out...and picked up the t-shirt he’d pulled out a second ago and pull it on, followed by the sweatpants.

“But he still hasn’t called her and I’m not having much luck convincing him that he needs to.” Danny continued as he walked back to his bed and positioned his pillow against the headboard as he sat down on the bed, legs crossed in front of him. “So, I’m not sure what to do next. I don’t believe either of them actually want to separate, though. I really don’t.”

Steve finally snapped out of his daze, realizing that all Danny had done was get ready for bed while talking to his best friend about what was on his mind. Something completely normal. Routine. Platonic. He felt honored by the intimacy and...disappointed?

“OK.” Steve said as he refocused himself on the issue at hand and walked over to sit on the foot of the bed near Danny. “Well, how did the date go?”

“That, yeah. I wanted to kill Lou for giving Harris my mom’s cell number, but I actually think it was a good thing. She said he was a perfect gentleman and the date was nice, but she came home the saddest she’s been since she got here. I think at first, there was a kind of thrill in the freedom she felt. But now reality is hitting. Harris is a perfectly nice guy, but he’s not my Pop. He doesn’t have 40 years of history with her. And I think that matters more than she realized. At the same time, she said it felt good having a man pay attention to her, call her beautiful...acknowledge her. That’s where my Pop has really fallen down. He’s taken her for granted for a very long time and I think he’s overwhelmed by that fact.”

“Seems to me that they need to talk.”

“They do. But she won’t call him and he won’t call her.”

“Some things can’t be done over the phone.”

“Well that’s some great McGarrett wisdom.” Danny spoke with slight sarcasm. “Problem is, he’s in Jersey and she’s here so...”

“Danny, I could have called you a hundred different times today. I’ve been boiling inside about what happened between us since 0830 this morning, but I held it because I knew I wouldn’t be able communicate what I needed to unless I was standing in front of you. So I waited until I could.”

“Then, what, do I make my Pop come here or send my Ma home?”

“Which do you think will be easier?

“Pop, for sure.”

“OK. Start there. He was supposed to come out here in the first place right?”

“Yeah.”

“You think he’ll do it?”

“Maybe. But I also think it will take more than him showing up to get through to where she’s at right now.” Danny shifted, leaning forward a bit. “I, uh, appreciate you coming here tonight, to, y’know...”

“Smack you upside the head?” Steve offered with a slight smile.

“Yes, that. And for being you. I think, maybe, I take you for granted a little too, huh? And I shouldn’t. You’re, uh, you’re good for me.”

Steve held out a hand and Danny clasped it. “Anytime, partner. I’m gonna let myself out. You have a good night, yeah?”

Danny held on for a few more beats, hoping Steve could intuit what he couldn’t bring himself to say, then let go and nodded. “I’ll meet you at your place in the morning. Good night, Steve.”

Steve patted Danny on the knee and left.

5050505050

**Last Week of March, 2014**

“I’m heading over to get Ma now.” Danny had stopped by Steve’s office door before leaving.

“OK. You gonna have enough to time to drop her off and then get your dad from the airport? I could get him if you need me to.”

“I, uh, I appreciate that, but I’ll be fine. Plus, I wanna make sure he makes it to my place in one piece and the way you drive...”

“We were in pursuit, Danny!”

Danny held up his hand, “Forget I said anything. I don’t wanna fight. I, uh, do need a favor though.”

“Sure. What is it?”

“Can I...would it be alright I if I crash at your place tonight? I have a good feeling about all this and I’d like to be able to give my folks some privacy after...”

“Yeah, of course. You got your key?”

Danny cocked his head a bit. “Are you not gonna be home?”

Steve leaned back a bit, “Got no plans not to be.”

“Because if you and Catherine are gonna...I can find a hotel...”

“No, no Catherine tonight. Just figured it’d be easier for you to let yourself in.”

“Ah, see, in polite society, we knock before entering a home that isn’t ours.”

“We knock before...What the hell are keys for then, huh?”

“They are for emergencies or, or, for when one of us oversleeps...”

“Oversleeps? When in the history of ever have you needed to let yourself in because I overslept?”

“That is not the point, Steven.”

“What is the point?”

“I don’t know. I honestly don’t even remember now.”

“Letting yourself in...”

“Right. I guess...can you...Y’know what, never mind. I’ll let myself in. You won’t even know I’m there.”

Steve stood up. “Nah, man. I’ll wait up for you. I want to hear how it goes.” He watched Danny’s body loosen in relief and wondered why it was so hard for his partner to ask for what he needed.

“Thank-you.”

“Go get your mom.”

5050505050

The sound of a key in the lock jolted Steve awake. He’d fallen asleep while watching CNN as he’d waited for Danny. He stood just as the door opened and Danny walked in with something wrapped in aluminum foil.

“So? How was Operation First Date?” Steve asked as he walked towards his partner.

“Great. They were laughing and on their second bottle of wine when I left to drop off Grace at Rachel’s. Here, I brought you some leftovers.”

Steve took it hungrily and opened the foil. “You’re the best! Wanna beer?”

“Yeah, sure.” Danny dropped his overnight bag by the couch, appreciating that Steve had already left a folded quilt and pillow at one end of the couch.

Steve popped the caps on a couple Longboards and handed one to Danny, already chewing on a bite of pizza. “So, how’d it go?”

“As perfectly as I could’ve hoped. Pop, he, uh, he said what he needed to say and he listened to her. I think you were right that he needed to be able to look at her in order to really hear what she was saying, y’know?” Steve nodded.

“And Grace was adorable as their waitress for the evening. I think having her there, it kinda helped remind them of all they’ve built together, y’know? I mean, me and my sisters, Matt too, we’re maybe not all that they hoped we’d be, but somehow, we’ve still managed to bring people like Grace, Sophie, Theo, and even Eric, into the world, right? And all that started with them.”

“You’re a good son.” Steve offered, voice a little thick with emotion. He was rocked back sometimes by Danny’s depth of love for his family. There was nothing he wouldn’t do for them; to fight for them. He wondered if he had done enough to fight for his own...if his dad might still be alive...if his mom would come back? Steve tamped his thoughts down deep and refocused.

“You wanna watch a movie?”

“Nah, it’s late...” Danny started, but then he read something in Steve’s body language that made him stop; something that told him Steve needed more right now. “How about we watch Mythbusters or something shorter?”

“Yeah, whatever you want.” Steve tried to sound casual as he wadded the now-empty foil and tossed it in the bin before following Danny back to the living room.

Danny’d changed into his sweats before coming over, his work clothes, gun, and badge stored safely in his bag.

Steve tossed him the remote and sat at the end of the sofa where he’d been when Danny arrived. “You pick.”

Danny looked at him doubtfully. “I pick? Why does this feel like a trap?”

Steve motioned to the TV. “You said you didn’t want a movie and I don’t know what is on, so...”

“Alright.” He entered the number for the Learning Channel and dropped the remote on the end table at the other end of the couch where Steve couldn’t reach it. He tossed the pillow so it landed next to his partner and unfolded the blanket, wrapping it loosely around himself. He sat and then laid his torso down, his head on the pillow that was next to Steve.

“Come here.” Steve said, pulling the pillow so it was on his lap. “You won’t fit if you’re not further over.”

Danny scooted closer, now able to pull his feet onto the couch and roll on his side as he laid his head in Steve’s lap. A surge of warmth flooded him as Steve’s arm laid across him and heard what sounded almost like a sigh. He turned his head and looked up. “You OK?”

“Yeah.” Steve blinked at him, eyes soft. “I’m very OK. You comfortable?”

“Yeah.”

“Good. So what is this we’re watching?”

“It’s called Mythbusters. They, uh, they take, like, urban legends and try to see if the can prove if they’re possible or not. But mostly they spend the show looking for ways to blow things up.”

“Really? Sounds fun.”

“Can’t believe you’ve never seen this before.”

Danny found himself snuggling in more and drew one hand under the pillow and laid it on Steve’ thigh. He knew he was doing something more intimate than they ever had before, but it felt right. As if in response, Steve shifted his arm under the quilt and rested his hand softly on Danny’s belly, fingers touching him lightly and Danny felt more secure than he had in a month. His parents would fly home together in a few days, but he knew it was Steve who eased the anxious madness in his soul.

He flexed his hand gently against Steve’s warm skin, “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome, babe.” Steve answered quietly and offered a silent grace to whichever god had brought him Danny.


End file.
